Is It OK To Fantasize About Someone Else Once You're Married?

It’s not just the fans of Fifty Shades of Grey who have sexual fantasies.

In fact, according to experts, most women — regardless of their relationship status — fantasize about sexual activities they’re not currently experiencing. “It’s completely natural for women to fantasize about other men. Even if you are in a committed relationship and in love with your partner, that doesn’t mean that you won’t find other men sexually attractive,” explains sex expert Nikki Ransom-Alfred. “We are sexual beings with wants and desires; men aren’t the only one’s who daydream about sex.”

It’s when those fantasies interfere with real life that we may experience problems. “It’s wise to be conscious of what the purpose of this fantasy may be,” says relationship expert and author Brandy Engler. “Often fantasies, like dreams, are revelatory of our deeper psychological wishes. A woman can ask herself: What do I need? It could be more passion, more attention, to feel powerful or sexy. When you can understand what it is you are longing for, then you can develop a plan for making that a reality in life.”

In fact, too often women rely on fantasies to fulfill their needs rather than ask their partner for what they want. And that’s where the trouble, especially when you’re married, comes in. “Women who don’t know how to ask for what they want are more prone to fantasy and negative assessment of their husband,” explains Engler.

But rather than trying to stop fantasizing altogether, you’re better off expressing your desires to your significant other. “As a sexual being, having fantasies is a normal and natural thing that boosts your sexual desire and arousal,” says Ransom-Alfred. “Studies have shown that those who have frequent sexual fantasies have a higher sex drive and sexual satisfaction, higher chance of orgasm, and are more sexually open in the bedroom. These are all qualities that you want to have in your marriage.”

Finally, avoid fantasizing about men whom you actually know. “It is not good to fantasize about someone close to you like a friend or coworker,” Ransom-Alfred says. “Having his lady fantasize about Brad Pitt is one thing but fantasizing about your husband’s old college buddy is something different. It’s just too close to home and if your guy ever found out, it could lead to jealousy or other ill feelings and cause unnecessary tension between all parties involved. Also, having sexual fantasies about someone close to you could lead to confusing feelings for that person in real life; it’s not worth the risk.”

Instead, bring the aspects of your fantasies into your relationship with your husband. “You don’t want to be a wild, adventurous sex goddess in your fantasies and not in real life,” says Ransom-Alfred. “Bring that passion into your relationship as well to maintain your exciting sex life. Also, allow yourself to be ‘taken away’ by your fantasies and overcome with desire so you can take all of that passion out on your guy. He will not complain!”